Life according to me...

Harry Potter vs Twilight saga

2010-06-28T21:08:00.000-07:00

Alright.

We've some clarifications here. Yes, I once liked Twilight. Why don't I like it anymore? 1. I got out of my crappy relationship and re-read it and 2. I AM TIRED OF HEARING/SEEING/READING ABOUT IT! OMGAH!

First of all, the Harry Potter series is a hundred fold what the Twilight saga is. And always will be! Harry Potter has been going on for years and years- yet the fan base is still hella strong.

Second of all, the Harry Potter series is written way better than the Twilight saga. Um, Hermione v. Bella? Please. Hermione would totally win. Edward v. Harry or even Draco? Draco/Harry every time. (Plus, Draco is sexy. Ahem.)

And third of all, Harry Potter has a much better message! Harry Potter is all about friendship, loyalty and doing the right thing. Twilight is basically saying it's okay to let some guy be obsessive/possessive just because you love him- oh and that it is perfectly okay to change/mold yourself for a guy. And let's not forget Bella's manic depressive state. How about we not promote that to our young girls?

If you like the Twilight saga, go you. I'm not down talking anyone in particular, I'm just saying...

Happy Graduation to BB!

2010-06-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

So, it's official- I'm graduating in August! Yay!

Granted I'm only getting an Associates Degree, but I don't care. I'm graduating. Mwhahaha.

And I got myself a graduation present!

Meet: Sirius.

At a mall here in Orlando. :-)

I finally got sick and tired of taking the bus and it taking forever and a damn day to get every where. And then, I got sick and tired of complaining about it. This won't be easy... but it sure as HELL is worth it!

No one will understand. But I am so fucking happy.

Body Image

2010-06-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

If you find trouble reading or discussing things like eating disorders or body image or weight gain, please exit this entry now.

Kudos to PostSecret.com

Body image is one of the most difficult things to deal with in life. A lot of people say that it's just women who struggle, that is untrue. Men have high expectations much like women do. But of course it all depends on where you stand in society.

Dancers, for example, are most often pushed and pressured about their weight. Matter of fact, most athletes are pressure about their weight. It's rather ridiculous, actually.

I am not afraid to admit that I am a strong, intelligent young woman. I am not stupid, I know I am intelligent and more mature than most people my age. But just because I am all of those things does not mean that I do not have weaknesses or that I have had a picture perfect life- with that, I ask who doesn't have weaknesses and who the hell has a perfect life?

When I was younger my body was always commented on- good or bad. But what no one seemed to think about when they said things like "Oh my God you are SO skinny!" or "Oh my God, I wish I had your legs!" was the fact that I was so active. I was a dancer, a gymnast, I played soccer, I swam a lot and I did things like bicycling/rollerblading every day. (Plus I climbed trees... I was a tomboy, stfu.)

Being a dancer and gymnast specifically put the jump cables on to help jump start my issues with body image. From day numero uno I refused to wear leotards without tights (in dance) or without soffes (in gymnastics). I never told anyone it was due to the fact that I absolutely hated my hips. And I never changed in front of any of the girls because I hated the way my abs looked.

Me; when I performed at Hard Rock Cafe in Orlando, FL.

My dad flipped out when I told him I wanted to go to Weight Watchers meetings with my mom- I was 7 at the time.

I watched my mom obsess of calories or fat content or whatever and I found myself feeling more and more uncomfortable in my own skin.

Now, take into account the fact that I was a dancer for seven years while you read the next paragraph.

Sunday I got to play with Anastasia at Magic Kingdom. Part of her costume consists of pantyhose (they go under the bloomers). I was in a rush to get into makeup (make up always takes me forever, tomboy here!) and ran in to Costuming to get my panyhose. I grabbed a medium and ran into a bathroom stall to change. They were too small. I knew that I had put on weight thanks to eating horribly, no exercise and some medication so I didn't freak out too bad. That is until a size large wouldn't fit properly either. I wanted to cry, honestly. I stubbornly forced the size large pantyhose to fit. And before I go any further, fuck you Capezio!

Ahem. Anastasia Tremaine, Cinderella's Step Sister.

For the entire 15 hour work day I had yesterday, I ranted to myself about how I could let this happen. I was a dancer for christssake!

A girl in my nutrition class today brought up about how her friend eats very little and works out almost compulsively. She asked the teacher what kind of advice she should give her friend and my teacher, appropriately so, addressed it as a dietician would. I, however, addressed it as a psychologist. I brought up the possibility of compensatory behaviors and such.

And that's when it began to hit me. Do I have a eating disorder? Am I crazy? Am I about to start down the road of anorexia with restricted type? Do I have compensatory behaviors?

The answers to those questions are not questions I have answers to. But I know the people that are reading this who know me in real life are probably thinking "YES, YES, YES, and MAYBE!"

Because my waist is not huge.

My thighs however, BIG ISSUE. But I've always had thick thighs... hello, soccer + dance + gymnastics, they all get their strength from where?! Ugh.

Does anyone else suffer from body image dislike? How do you cope? What are ways you avoid going down the wrong path?

-BB

Just Breathe

2010-06-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

I've just decided that following dreams is never easy. But this is so much more than a dream. I've wanted to travel the world and learn about others cultures for as long as I can remember but it was never "sensible" or "profitable".

For as long as I can remember I've always been told, "Don't be like me and get a degree that can't make you money." or "Don't be poor like your father."

What are those things supposed to mean exactly? A degree you can't use or a degree you haven't put forth the time to figure out how to use? Poor like my father? My father may have lived in monetarily poor standards, but he was far from poor; he was rich in wisdom and kindness.

Since my dad died it has been drilled in my head to "not be like him". And I went with it for awhile. I didn't want to be poor, who does?

It wasn't until I began dating The Big Ex that I realize life wasn't about making five figures and up. I learned that you can still make something of yourself and do everything you please to do. So I decided after I graduated high school that I was leaving theatre behind and I was going into medicine.

I've been changing my mind ever since. "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not smart enough". At one point a friend at the time and I had a mantra doing, "Dooney, Coach, Channel, Lucky". Of course we said it jokingly.

Yesterday I tried to remain fairly calm when I saw that 79% on my computer screen. I calmly called my mother and informed her of the doom I had already assured her of. And when she began to speak I felt that facade of calm slowly crack and shatter. Tears started tracking down my face and through the make up I had gone through the trouble to put on. And I felt the total shame and failure take hold of me.

It's not easy to follow your dreams or what you want. But you have to do it; because if you don't, you'll spend the rest of your life thinking, 'Jeez, I really wanted to do that. Why didn't I?'

I don't know what the purpose of me "wanting" to do medicine was and I probably never will. But I've decided from here and out that doing the things I've always wanted to do is most important to me.

Everyone, meet Olly.

2010-06-18T04:20:00.000-07:00

Hello all.

So, I went through a quarter-life-crisis and decided I was going to buy a camera. I may have mentioned that? Anyway, I was online one night browsing around when I found the perfect camera for me.

It is still a simple point and shoot camera, nothing too fancy or professional- I'll get there one day though! Promise! (ahem... HK, might need a little help there!)

However, I am in love. It's got a great flash and sound effects when I push buttons (hey man, it's the small things in life). Also, it has a couple editing features that I can do on the camera; thought that was pretty neat.

Oh yeah, his name is Olly. So, everyone, meet Olly:

My first love will always be Nikon (shhh, don't tell him!) but Olympus isn't a bad brand. :-)

I'm happy. Definitely short on cash, but I'm happy.

Vivia la vida.
-Happy New Camera Owner

Acceptance

2010-06-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm alive; mostly.

This trimester has been hell on wheels with the wheels going the wrong direction. I'm all messed up.

I am slowly coming to the conclusion that I am going to have to accept that medicine is not for me. Nope, I still balk at the idea. Sigh. Slowly = snail speed.

I love medicine, I truly do. But for some reason I cannot apply and retain the way I need to in my classes. I know I'm smart enough, because when I pull and twist my own arm I exel. But for some reason my "give-a-damn" is busted.

When I began texting Chicago (I've mentioned her before.) about this she said that it seemed like I have been slowly losing my passion for medicine for quite a while. Imagine my shock when I realized she was right. She went on to say that the school I'm attending hasn't exactly had the best effect on me; when I tried to rebuttal I came up with a blank. It's amazing how your best friends know some things about you that you don't even know.

The majority of the reason that I want/wanted to do medicine was my undying need to help people. I wanted (and still want to) to do Doctors Without Borders. And let's face facts: I love science. Total nerd? Yep, right here. I get excited about learning biology and marine biology the most. I haven't really had any experience in chemistry- yet. I just love learning how stuff works.

But, as I come to the conclusion that I have lost my lust/passion for medicine, I have to force myself to be realistic: I will not be the doctor (or PA) I want to be if I am not passionate. Who wants a dispassionate doctor? (Not me!)

For the past three years I've made my world revolve around medicine- literally. Whenever I doubted getting my MD or MS.P.A. I would always try to discover new jobs in health. The past few days I have been reminding myself: Okay, BB, there IS a world outside of health care. You used to be in it, remember? Theatre? Mission work? All that mess? Yes, it is still there!

That probably makes me sound crazy...

Oh well! The point is that the world does not revolve around medicine. Erm... well, actually, it does. But my career/life does not revolve around medicine. So here's to trying to figure out something for my life!

Ideas:
Bachelors in...
Anthropology and Philosophy (dual degree/major)
Minors in...
Spanish and Education/Linguistics/Irish Studies/ Who the fuck knows what.

Bachelors in...
Anthropology and Psychology (dual)
Minors in...
Education and African Studies

Bachelors in...
Business
Minor in...
Public Health

Okay... so I know the last one is basically hospital administration and that is essentially doing the "my world revolves around medicine" dance; I can't help it.

Viva la vida.

-The Confused as HELL College Student

Motivation

2010-06-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

There are always certain points in life where we lack motivation.

I am definitely a person who can be easily distracted and easily lose motivation- it is horrible. And when you're in college, paying 5k+ a semester, it is even worse.

I've discovered that I love to plan things and I love seeing them through- provided I don't get distracted. Through out my entire college career (6 semesters; 2 years) I have had many, many distractions. I've lost motivation entirely and then I regained it only to lose it again.

I'm sad to say I've lost it yet again.

I've been retaking Anatomy and Physiology I this semester and when I realized, "Hey... if I really want to pursue medicine/dentistry/whatever I'd have to retake all my major sciences when I get out of the Navy anyway... there's a 5 year statute of limitations."

Yep. Fuck me. Motivation went whoosh.

So... in effect... the point of me taking science courses this summer is... to keep me busy/stressed out/crying?

Awesome.

I hate myself sometimes...

Here's to trying to kick some ass after I have fallen on some major gluteus maximus.

-BB

These are my confessions... (No, I haven't been sleeping around.)

2010-06-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

(Hope you caught the Usher reference.)

These are my confessions...

I... totally spent over $70 dollars at Walgreens yesterday. I went to go get my ink cartridge refilled for my printer... they didn't have the right "size" or whatever. Yet I still spent money. WTF? (Movie, make up, water bottle thing, shampoo and conditioner, tooth paste (2), tooth brush (2), Eco Tools make up brushes, etc.)

I... am really pissed off that the federal government took taxes out of my $44 pay check. Seriously?! You couldn't let me keep $4.35? SERIOUSLY?! I hope that went to our deficit!

I... am wanting another tattoo... but at the same time I don't. I'm odd. Moving on.

I... want a beaver plushie. I don't know. Moving on.

I... cannot wait to go see Maxwell (my #1 husband in case you forgot) in concert with Krissy!

I... am totally enjoying being single. People keep telling me "You'll find the right one." or "You'll find a good guy!" Um, I'm TOTALLY cool with being single. Plus, I want to be single while I'm in the Navy so... moving on.

I... cannot wait to go to New York. The last time I went was to the City and I hated the City. But! I get to be up in the mountains and take pretty pictures and stuffs. Excited? Um, duh.

I... am sad that I am not going to Trinidad & Tobago this summer. But! It will happen Next year some time... depending on the Navy. Oh boy. Moving on.

I... am starting to get scared shitless about the Navy. Am I still going? HELL YEAH.

I... feel like I am missing something. I've considered talking to an agency about acting/modeling. Chickened out.

I... am a huge chicken apparently. Not only did I chicken out of the above, I chickened out of reading my poetry at a weekly cafe thing. Baby steps?

I... am proud of myself for making progress.

I... am proud of myself for handling a situation very maturely and civilly.

I... should be studying.

Peace cakes.

-BB

The Best Know You the Best

2010-06-01T11:52:00.000-07:00

Well hello there!

So life is pretty rough at the moment. I'm struggling in a class at school and unfortunately this class is crucial for my graduation in August. I need a B or better in this class and right now I have a low C. Oh and I have two weeks to bring it up. It doesn't help that it's a hard science course and my entire grade is based upon quizzes and tests.

In the guy department it has finally chilled out. Now obviously I don't mind getting attention from men, I mean hello, I'm a chick who loooves men. But it was getting ridiculous for a minute. Although, I'm SO glad I could be of some amusement to Krissy. Bitchpants.

I've always known that I'm extremely lucky for the friends I have in my life. I mean... it's just a fact. But I never stopped to think about just how well all three of my best girl friends know me.

Today I received my birthday present from Chicago.

The flowers are from my step-sister. And the canvas + bag of york peppermint patties are from Chicago.

Explanation:

Genesis. I have the word "Genesis" tattooed on my rib cage. It has a significant meaning that will be written about at a later date.
Magnolia. This is at the upper left hand corner of the canvas and it's hidden by the real flowers. This has a few meanings: Steel Magnolias was my first performance piece in our theatre competitions. The second meaning is the fact that I consider Mississippi my home state even though I wasn't born there.
The Map. The map in the backround signifies quite a bit as well. It has Taft- which is where I was born & spent the majority of my childhood (boondocks of Florida, gotta love it). Also has Corinth, MS right under it- that is my "home town" and where my relatives live- at least the ones I'm in contact with. Orlando, FL is under that, because while I hate it, it's where I've spent the majority of my life. And in the lower left corner it has Great Lakes, IL- which is where I will be for at least a year for the United States Navy.
The United States Navy. Obviously, this is the branch of the military I joined.
The United States Army. I come from a ridiculously long line of Army. Seriously, we're talking back to the War of the States. (Guess what side my family was on!)
Mississippi. Right next to Pluto, it the state Mississippi. Like I've said, my home state. Also signifies my southern heritage.
Pluto. Heh heh. Pluto and I have a special bond. Um. Let's just say he's helped me through some hard times by providing a living for me. Plus, he's also my favorite Disney character- but again, I am bias.
Theatre masks. Just under puppy is a pair of theatre masks. I used to be heavily involved in theatre. I miss it.
Cowboy boots. Need I say more? I'm a country kinda gal.
Florida flag. Duh.
As for the peppermint patties, they are my unhealthy obsession.

So I'll end this with a thought:

A lot of people have asked me what I consider to be a best friend.
Generally, I hate the term 'best friend'. Because I don't think that anyone

is inherently better than anyone else. But if I had to describe what makes my

best friends my best friends it would be the simple fact that they know me the

best out of anyone. And that's how it should be.
Your best friends should know you better than anyone.

-BB

Grateful for Saturdays

2010-05-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided to start a new theme for Saturdays and it is dubbed "Grateful for Saturdays". Basically, every Saturday there will be a post about something/someone I am grateful for. Capeche?

- - - -

I'm sitting at my desk at 3 o'clock in the morning scrolling through a fabulous tumblr and I know damn well I have to be up before 11 am. Does this pause my scrolling? Not at all. I stumbled upon two quotes that have really caught me:

"A friend can tell you things you don’t want to tell yourself." -Frances Weller

and

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." -Albert Einstein

And this got me thinking (big surprise) about what I should be grateful for and which of my friends the first quote would apply to. Ergo, the first post of this new theme is for Krissy.

I am so grateful for this chick.

Who else would go to the beach with me in the rain?

And who else would I celebrate sunshine with?

And well...
when things get a little too crazy
or a little too stupid
who is always there to catch me?

(Sometimes literally.)

Viva la vida! And be thankful for something today!

-BB

God, Courage, Honor and Respect

2010-05-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

Hello all.

Have I ever mentioned I have a hefty appetite for arguing? Ah... well I do.

I've mentioned before that I grew up in World War 3- which is a term I use to describe my parent's marriage. Believe me, it's a very accurate description. I also grew up in a household of Baptists and old-time-Southern values. I was taught that courage, honor and respect were essentials to my life.

From the get-go my dad never sugar-coated a thing for me, so he drilled that courage would be necessary for my life. He had an uncanny intuition that I have yet to see from anyone else.

(IE: For my birthday he bought me a gift in advance (for after his death) and it was a weather radio. The following fall 4 major hurricanes hit Florida. We depended on that radio all four times after electricity went out.)

Honor was a huge thing for my dad. "Never, ever kick an enemy when they're down." he'd say. Respect was most certainly the final thing he drilled into me. Respect for other people and their beliefs- even if their beliefs didn't coincide with mine. With this last lesson you'll understand why I have a problem with this idiotic graphic:

Speaking out against something, speaking on your opinion, having a different opinion- I'm ALL for it! I'm ALL for intelligent debate! I LOVE debating Evolution vs. Bible, Big Bang vs. Creation. This stupid thing is none of the above.

This graphic is 1) taking words out of context, 2) at some points just incorrect, and 3) running solely off of emotion/hot air.

Shaving. "You shall not shave around the sides of your head, nor shall you disfigure the edges of your beard." This is one of those times where I have nothing to say. I don't get it. But, it still doesn't say in this ENTIRE chapter of Leviticus (yes, I actually read it) that this is an abomination.
Shrimp. Um, hi, cockroaches of the sea! And Leviticus 11:10 says it is unclean to eat. Speaking intellectually, why would shrimp be an abomination to the Lord? He created them. Quote one, quote em' all and quote em' intelligently.
Tattoos. This law is very simple and very intelligent. Back in this time period in Israel disease was spread through dirty needles (much like it is today, what a thought!) and bacterium- however, this was not known at the time and was not known until the late 1600's. Naturally they would forbid tattoos when people were dying from them or so they thought. Still does not say abomination.

Anyone else find this ironic/stupid? Bueller?

Working on Saturdays. Somewhat true. The commandments say "Remember the Sabbath, keep it holy." Leviticus says, "³⁰ ‘You shall keep My Sabbaths and reverence My sanctuary: I am the LORD." And Saturday is the seventh day, ergo, Sabbath should be partaken on Saturdays- but that is all about interpretation and/or how you worship. So this, unfortunately for you idiots out there, is untrue. Leviticus does NOT say that this is an abomination.
Polyester. Leviticus says plainly, "‘You shall keep My statutes. You shall not let your livestock breed with another kind. You shall not sow your field with mixed seed. Nor shall a garment of mixed linen and wool come upon you." (That's the entire verse.) Polyester is a synthetic fiber made from polymer. Wool count? 0%. DEBUNKED.
Bunnies. Now THIS is ridiculous. Leviticus says that the hare is unclean to eat. FIRST OF ALL, why the hell would you want to eat bunnies? The cute little bun-buns pictured above? WHY!? Whoever is NOT against eating bun-buns should be stoned! Enough said.
Hamburger. "10 ‘And whatever man of the house of Israel, or of the strangers who dwell among you, who eats any blood, I will set My face against that person who eats blood, and will cut him off from among his people." Straight from the Bible folks. Blood means raw meat. Debunked again.
Vegetable gardens. Now this is just stupid. It says not to mix seed. Read it for yourself.

My point is not that we should all love God and thump our Bibles or even try to believe in the Bible. My point is that if we are to make our opinions known we need to make them known as intelligently as possible because they ARE idiots out there who take these asinine things and do not do their research.

Do I believe in God? Yes.
Do I follow the Bible? Not really. I'm not particularly sure of it as of late.
Do I believe God hates homosexuals? Nope.
Do I believe God thinks homosexuals are an abomination? Nope.
Do I believe an idiot created that graphic? Hell yes.

-BB

The 20th Birthday... and my appearance at a bridal shop

2010-05-26T14:05:00.000-07:00

Hello!

So this past weekend was my birthday weekend, wahoo! It all started on Saturday with a 9.75 hour work day. Awesome, right? And for some God-forsaken reason all the guests at Disney World's Animal Kingdom were in a bitchtastic mood. However, I had fun coworkers so I was happy.

I was treated to a ride to work and from work, by my friends and (surprise!) my mother! Hot damn! Mother dearest came to pick me up at the Animal Kingdom and I ran home to shower. Thus, began the celebration.

Yes, it is appropriate to say, "oh shit!" here.

We went to Red Lobster. Why? Because she wanted to. I didn't care. What I didn't think about until I sat down was the fact that I don't eat shellfish. I'm sitting there, staring blandly at the menu and I start chuckling. My mom asks me what's wrong and I start chuckling harder. I tell her I don't eat shellfish and she starts grinning, saying that we didn't have to eat here.

And then she asked me why. A few thoughts began to occur to me at that moment. I looked at her and I said, "You know, Leviticus says that we aren't supposed to eat shellfish."

She was highly perplexed and said, "Really?!"

At this point I'm a little irked. I nod and say the verse where she could find it. I mumble something about possibly being allergic to shellfish and order something with salmon. And it STILL amazes me! How do you consider yourself a believer of a book you don't even know that well! Forgive the internet speak, but OMG!

And then she took me to a bridal shop. Yes, yes, a fucking bridal shop.

Am I engaged? No.

Am I having an arranged marriage? No.

Do I even have a boyfriend? Hell no.

It didn't occur to me until Monday what she meant when she said, "At least I got to see you in a wedding dress."

My mother doesn't think she is going to live through my first enlistment with the United States Navy. (depressmedotcom.)

Don't worry, Sunday was much happier. I had dinner with my favorite group of people in Orlando. And I had a blast.

Yeah that's right, I wore a short red dress on my birthday!

(And spent the entire night making sure the back didn't flip up because I have an ass.)

" The whole group.

"Look into each other's eyes!"

BFF

Mr. Gorgeous and I.

(I was in high heels, I'm not that tall.)

His idea. I swear.

-BB

Ladies and Gents: My Husbands PT. 2

2010-05-13T11:00:00.000-07:00

Hello there!

I'm sure all of you are wondering who Husband #2 is and who stole the heart of a 13 year old.

Well! I am here to ease your suspense!

Yep, that's right. Will Smith. Something about his goofy jokes and smile just made my young little heart melt. Plus, look at those eyes...

Can I be in Bad Boys 3? Please?

10 more days until I turn 20.

-BB

Ladies and Gents: My Husbands

2010-05-12T05:09:00.000-07:00

Who here doesn't want to get married? (High five.) (I'm kidding. Mostly.)

Well, for the most part I've decided it's just not a good idea for me. But, I have relented and decided to marry. Yes, yes it's true. Not only am I married but I have three husbands thus far. Yeah, I know. Over kill? Maybe. I prefer to think of it as keeping my life fun and enjoying variety. :-)

Ladies and gents, allow me to introduce you to my first husband...

["Pretty Wings" by Maxwell]

Technically Husband #2 was the first black man I fell in love with. But! Because Maxwell's lyrics are so inspiring and powerful (check his YouTube channel. For real. I know good music when I hears it.) (Good grammar, not so much.) I have decided that he shall be Husband #1.

And I've decided he can write as many songs for me as he wants. Sigh.

11 days until I turn 20.
Viva la vida.
-BB

Never fails

2010-05-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

It never fails... the people you care about will hurt you; at least until you are surrounded by people who would never dream of it.

It never fails... that he is on my mind before I go to sleep.

It never fails... that I always wonder why Bear left me for her. She looked like a man.

It never fails... that The Boys always make me laugh. Especially when I need it most.

It never fails... that the two boys who hurt me the most are always there when I need them.

It never fails... that those same two boys are always the first to tell me that I am a) something special and b) deserve the best.

It never fails... that I cannot stand being helped, but I'm getting better!

It never fails... that the song "Daddy's Little Girl" by Frankie J makes me bawl my eyes out. Same goes for "Heaven Was Needing a Hero" by Jo Dee Messina.

It never fails... that my brutal honesty offends/hurts someone.

It never fails... that a lot people do not truly appreciate honesty- this is especially true when that honesty hurts them.

What are some things that have never failed in your life?

Viva la vida.
-BB

Lessons of the Weekend

2010-05-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

Before 120 Days for Me started and I deleted everything prior to February, I used to post little tidbits about my weekends and everything I learned in them. Well, I'm bringin' it back ya'll!

Planning a day full of Disney with three awesome = much awesomeness to be had.
While having a day full of Disney it is not wise to go clubbing afterward.
While at aforementioned club, it is not wise to wear shoes that slip easily. Duh.
I can dance, and I have always known that. However, it feels amazing to prove a guy wrong and have him say he was surprised. Especially since "white girls generally can't dance that well".
Hookah is always a win. But at the Deko (the club we went to) it is an OLYMPIC win.
Ditzy bitches should stay away from hookah.
RE: Ditzy drunk bitches should stay the hell away from hookah and me.
I'll never understand how they smacked their coal under their table. Seriously? Seriously.
Going to a club with your best friend and best-guy-friend and his roommate? Awesome.
Going to a club where you and your best friend know/own almost all of the music? Priceless.
Fights can be kinda scary.
Fights in the club that happen right next to you? Definitely an adrenaline booster.
RE: Seriously. Seeing six people hit the ground whilst pummeling each other makes your night real interesting.
Having your best-guy-friend put himself in between the fight and you? Priceless.
Hookah can make you seriously light headed.
RE: Melon-mint please.
It is important that we not only have people to love us and love to give other people, but it is also equally important to make sure that love is the utmost best we can give. - yes, you can quote me on that. Original to the bone.
Waking up at 1 o'clock in the afternoon the next day? Fail.
Waking up at 1 o'clock in the afternoon on Mother's Day? Epic fail.
Not getting out of bed until 3 o'clock in the afternoon? Do I really have to name it?
It's okay to just let loose and have fun.
Drugs are bad, mmkay?
Johnny Depp in "Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas" trips me out. Seriously. I've never done drugs in my life, but after that movie I felt like I was a bonafide expert on Acid, uppers, downers and laughers.
Motherhood isn't in the cards for me, but that doesn't mean Auntie-hood isn't! Right, Krissy?
Sometimes you can't have what you want and sometimes you have to let go of something to know if it's really yours to have.

I hope everyone had a good weekend like I did!

13 days until I turn 20!

Viva la vida
-BB

Quiet vs. Rowdy as Hell

2010-05-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in a rather peculiar place in life at the moment. I've come to the conclusion that my life is either very quiet or rowdy as hell- I rarely get the in between. Especially when it comes to the romantic parts of my life.

I've discovered through experience that while relationships are sometimes nice, I always pick the stupid assholes. And the few times that I haven't they've lost interest in me. Nice, right? So I've decided to just stay single for a bit and take on this new life that's coming at me full speed.

But hello, I'm (almost) 20 years old and I'm a woman. I have needs. And even when the physical needs aren't met, that doesn't mean a gal can't have some eye candy. However, I thiiiink I may have gotten a little overzealous at the candy store. Oops?

At the moment I have three men in my life- scratch that, two men and one boy. One is a friend whom I do not like/am not attracted to but have fun with and spend time with. Another is a co-worker that I met two years ago- there's a story there.

Once Upon a Time, in a place not too far from the Happiest Place on Earth, BB got together with a few work friends at a bowling alley. Fun times were had. BB was not single at the time but she was mighty attracted to a co-worker who was single at the time. Well, one thing led to another and BB almost cheated.

You could say this male co-worker and I had "unfinished business". I prefer to think of it as my curiosity getting the best of me. Well, we didn't see each other for about a year and a half. Then I started working again and we kept running into each other. I went to visit him a few weeks ago at the Happiest Place on Earth and he ended up giving me a ride home. We pop kissed. Thus, my curiosity was pretty much satiated. His wasn't.

This wouldn't be such a problem for me if he wasn't married. Now wait a minute. Before I get even more internet howlers than I already have allow me to be very clear and very honest: No I do not condone and do not practice cheating- ever. His wife doesn't view what we did as cheating and she knows about it. Obviously, I'm not going to continue it because I don't condone it and I don't do the whole "other woman" deal. Yes, we pop kissed. Yes, it shouldn't have happened, but it did and I'm putting a stop to anything else happening.

Anyway, now this lovely boy can't decide if he hates me or not. Honestly, I don't see a reason that he should be so hateful towards me because I have been nothing but honest with him about how I feel about the whole situation. Posting "I can't get you out of my head" and sending me a text that says "I miss you" doesn't change my opinion on being the Other Woman! Don't get me wrong, he is a very sweet and caring guy. I appreciate the compliments he gives and his feelings toward me- but that's where it ends.

Sigh. And as for the third, he is the pinnacle of frustration in my life. Without a doubt, he is one of the most gorgeous men I have ever met and has a personality to boot. We've had numerous back and forth flirtation and interactions but when I gave him the ultimatum of Friendship vs. Something More, he chose friendship. I respect his decision very much so- even though it doesn't help my frustration.

I'm not quite sure how to deal with the third, being that I actually want him. Any ideas? How can I look at him as just a friend?

Oh, and as for the hating on the formspring and blog, seriously? Haha. Keep it coming. I'm thinking of starting a "Page of Hateration".

Viva la vida
-BB

That one time...

2010-05-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

Hellur.

So if you haven't caught on to the fact that I'm a crazy idiot- well, who's the idiot here?

Nights/days with my friends usually consist of laughing and driving aimlessly- which usually ends up at a place where movies can be watched and fatty foods can be consumed. There is always a bunch of really random, usually really stupid things said/done.

So, in true blogging spirit, I thought (of course this thought did occur at 3:30 in the morning) I'd write a blog containing just some of the idiotic yet funny thing that go down with those weird people I call friends.

This one time... I went to the down town movie theatre with a guy friend. We had to park in a public parking garage (that is shaped like Houston's airport evidently) and that required that we get a ticket and keep the ticket. Well, I made the mistake of giving the ticket to my male friend. He lost it, of course. So! Instead of paying 2$ for parking we paid 15$- and that is only because the attendant found a lost ticket and let us have it, other wise we would have paid 30$. Conclusions of the night? Don't trust men with tickets and this lovely quote...

   Me: I hate this parking garage.
  Friend: It resembles the Houston airport parking lot quite a bit.
   Me: Yeah, well, you know what? Fuck Houston!

This one time... Krissy and I made a midnight trek to Wal-Mart (this is starting to become more and more frequent) to get cookie supplies. After our journey had ceased and we were in the car she couldn't find her phone in her purse. Me, being the smart, cunning little lady I am decided to hold her purse and call her simultaneously. Funny moment ensues...

   Me: Okay I'm calling you...
   Krissy: Oh! Nevermind! It's in my pocket!
   Me: (laughs) Good. For a second there I was like, "Oh shit, I don't feel it viberating. That's not good."
   a few seconds pass...
Me & Krissy: (uproar in laughter) THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
Krissy: Not good!

This one time... Krissy and I decided we needed Oreo McFlurries so we decided to go to McDonalds. No, as matter of fact it wasn't storming. And of course the McDonalds that I knew of that was closest to us wasn't closed because of a power surge. And no, we did not result to Krissy's GPS that took us 25 minutes out of the way all for two Oreo McFlurries. Not at all. And in the same night we did not scream twice when excess water from a passing by car hit the windshield. Nope.

There is more. I promise.
Viva la vida.
BB

What's the point?

2010-04-27T21:41:00.000-07:00

Hi.

I'm still suffering from "creative constipation"- someone please send some creative-exlax.

And life has a funny way of saying "fuck you" to me. Seriously.

Computer is dead. I think my motherboard is fried.
I left my cell phone at a movie theatre tonight. Awesome.
I have yet to register for my classes that start next Monday. And it's not my fault.

Futhermore, I leave for the Navy in exactly four months and three days. And I'm still struggling with push-ups. Funny: a Marine recruiter tried to recruit me after I asked when the Navy office was moving to the location we were (at the moment) standing. This is after I said my RPOC had sent me a text about the location moving. Hey! Marine Recuiter! By saying my RPOC it could be inferred that I'm already in the fucking military. Ergo- M.A.R.I.N.E= Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Expected.

And I am tired of situational friends. So, quick fix? Cut them off. Very easy.

Alright. I think I'm done venting.

Sigh. Krissy and I (though I'm sure she doesn't know it yet) are going to start planning my Trifecta-Party: Graduation, Going Away and Birthday.

Until I receive the much needed creative-exlax,
duce.

-BB

Your Best Friend vs. Biggest Bitch

2010-04-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

Because of my mood and a few recent events we're swooping in for another Getting to Know Me entry.

Surprise, surprise: I'm in a bad mood.

My personality is relatively easy to understand. (At first.) There are two different paths to go down (yeah, I'm a Gemini, remember?) sweetest/giving person you've ever met or the biggest bitch you've ever met. And I suggest you chose wisely. Because you don't get to go from Biggest Bitch to Best Friend. You can, however, go from Best Friend to Biggest Bitch.

It is that easy. Be nice and respectful to me, and I will do the same in return. (Unless you're some asshole/bitch who broke my friend's heart, then we have a problem.)

I do not like it when I am taken advantage of or my friends are. I do not like it when my kindness is brushed off or reciprocated with dick-headed-ness.

Factoid #3: Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. Because while I try to be nice, I can go from zero to bitch in less than ten seconds. It's literally an effort for me to be nice- okay, that sounds bad. I'm not naturally a nasty person, but I have a very low patience for people.

Factoid #4: I am not a toy. Ergo, I do not enjoy being played with. (We'll discuss that later.)

Situation:

I had invited Krissy over to bake stuff with me on Wednesday. WOAH! BB? Bake?! Yes, I bake. Ahem. Okay, I put cookies on a cookie sheet and shove it in the oven hoping I remember to take them out before they're black.

Anywhen. I actually put effort into these cookies. And they turned out amazing. (Mainly because I remembered them.)

(Which, by the by, you can thank Krissy for.)

So I offered some to my boys and to Mr. Gorgeous. Now, I won't say which party acted like a douche bag and has yet to make contact with me after I offered him cookies. But, that's the gist. I feel like my kindness was slapped in the face.

And it's not even like I was saying, "Omgah, here's some cookies. Marry me." I mean holy crap. It's just cookies.

Alright, so who here thinks I'm vindicated and who thinks I'm over reacting? Does the douche get Biggest Bitch vote or still Nice Girl vote?

Viva la vida!
-BB

I Am Damned.

2010-04-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a different post and it's currently making me want to seek mental health.

Of course I say that facetiously. Mostly.

I'm having "creative constipation" as Mr. Gorgeous calls it. Don't ask.

I've been writing more lately. And by writing, I mean poems/songs/etc. I haven't written in so long but it's all flowing through me. I like it. Normally, I do not like sharing my poems at all, but in the light of "reconstruction" I've decided to start Myspace blogging again. (Myspace is where I used to hold all of my poems before switching to LJ.) At which point I decided "Hey, my little bloggers deserve to see them too! After all, they put up with the day-to-day blog crap."

So here we are my ladies & widgets. Here we are...

"The Damned"

I've come to the conclusion that I am most definitely
in purgatory.
I am damned
but thankfully
not eternally.

I am damned to want you,
and damned if I try.
I am damned and have been.
I am damned to remember you
for as long as I live.
Damned, damned, damned.

I am damned to try to make you smile,
and damned if I don't try.
I am damned to flirt,
I am damned to ignore,
I am damned for what I want.

Since I've entered this catch-22
I've learned a new meaning to frustration.
I'm damned if I do
and damned if I don't.
But I suppose I'd rather be damned
than to have not met you at all.

This is what happens when you want something you can't have. It sucks. Really sucks.
Viva la vida
-BB

Family Connection

2010-04-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

And all I want is to be wanted.

Family Connection

You do not know me,
nor do I know you.
But when I stumbled upon your picture
and I looked at your eyes
I knew exactly who you were.

Strange, isn't it?
That your eyes are so distinctive that
I could pin you straight to him.

I remember a time,
and I remember so with a sad heart,
when someone would look at me and say,
"Are you any relation to Jim?"

Of course, this was a time back
and in a place far away from here.
East of the river,
but south of the rolling hills.
Where everyone knew everyone.

I remember booming with pride,
my small frame standing tall,
with my chin jutted up.
"Yes ma'am," I answered. "He's my daddy."
"I can tell," she said. "You've got your daddy's big blue eyes."

As I look in the mirror,
I search for him.
My eyes are now tinted with gray,
surrounded with green.
Only a simple ring of dark blue,
circling the pupil,
remains.
I look for him,
and all I see is her.

Is this to mean I've lost him completely?
Is this to mean I've no connection to him anymore?

I miss you...

2010-04-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

April 9th, 2010

Also known as my dad's 7th anniversary.

Hot Rod and I went to visit.

And I bought pretty flowers for him...

[Aren't the purple flowers manly? :o) ]

I miss him more than anything in the world...

Letting Go of the Past: Uncle and Aunt

2010-04-03T23:20:00.000-07:00

Hello, hello, hello.

It's late and I'm cracking all sorts of eggs today so I figured I might as well crack another- metaphorically speaking of course. I'm going to speak on something I really, truly hate talking about. Matter of fact, if I could never bring it up, I never would. But, alas, I think it's essential for me to speak on it and let it go.

(Hopefully speaking on it will help me let it go.)

As we grow older and we bond with people, we develop special friendships. Most people call them "best friends". Yes, this term is widely accepted as the proper name for the people you are closest with. Seems well enough. And then, after the "best friend" title is awarded, we hit another stage in life: marriage and kids. Assuming your best friends are still on speaking terms with you and your spouse, your best friend then becomes "Aunt" or "Uncle" to your child. At which point, your child will always know them as that: uncle or aunt.

And I believe wholeheartedly that when you make that step, when you grow with a child as their aunt or uncle, I believe that you have a responsibility to that child- mind you, not the responsibility that you have to your own child, but most certainly something similar.

I grew up with three "pairs" of Aunts and Uncles.

When that fateful day happened and my dad was diagnosed with cancer, he went to Auntie/Uncle pair #1. He asked if they would be willing to accept the responsibility of taking care of him and (should the occasion arise) me. They declined.

So then, he approached pair #2. They accepted. As I have mentioned before they moved in. Let me make this very clear, right here, right now: they accepted the full responsibility of taking of him until the end; of taking of me and making sure certain... funds were taken care of.

My dad knew the Uncle since he was 14 years old and the Aunt almost as long. Literally, best friends for life.

Fast forward seven years.

I never received a damn thing from them. They broke their promise to me and they broke their promise to my dad. To this day I cannot decide which pisses me off more and which is the one I cannot let go of.

And as I struggle to pay for school, all of my living expenses and get around the wonderful city of Orlando without a car... I look at other girls who have every single-fucking-thing paid for, and I get angry. I get really, really frustrated and very angry. And that is very wrong of me.

Was I wronged by my dad's supposed "best friends"? Absolutely. However, I have put a roof over my head (while it comes with ridiculous rules, it's a freaking roof!) I have put healthy food on my table. I go to a good gym with good trainers that are helping me on my way to the United States Navy. I have a cell phone. I have two jobs. And I have the most amazing friends a girl could possibly ask for.

Whether it's HK offering me head phones because mine have gone to crap and I need them for the gym. Or listening to me bitch and moan about my crap. Or it's Krissy offering to pick me up from the gym because the bus is late- and all the other crap she has to deal with from me on a day to day basis. Or it's Ant-Man having long, over drawn, frustrating philosophical conversations with me when I can't get my thoughts straight. Or it's Chicago using her minutes to assure me that everything will work out in the end.

Even, when I refuse the head phones and bitch & moan louder. Even, when I refuse the ride home from the gym and give out more crap. Even, when I make him question his own beliefs. Even, when I say to every single person- I don't want to talk about it.

Even, when they have to deal with the fact that they want to help and I'm just too incapable of asking/receiving help.

I am blessed beyond blessed for my friends- and even beyond that, most of their families have accepted me in to their homes. Yes, I want a car so I don't have to walk to the grocery store or tag along with a friend or take the stupid late bus everywhere. Yes, I want better health insurance so that when something is wrong, I can get it fixed. Yes, I want my tuition paid. Yes, I want my student loans paid. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

But, if I had to choose between solving everything that frustrates me and my friends? I would choose my friends every single damn time. Because I know they would never do what my dad's did.

And with all of that comes the very important realization that I have risen above it all. I have people that I trust, despite them. I have loyal friends, despite them. Despite all of the things they could have easily fixed but chose not to, I have risen above it.

So ha. I win. I'm still dirt poor, but bitch, I win.

Viva la vida.
-BB

Sleepless, seasonal hell.

2010-03-29T01:01:00.000-07:00

Isn't it rather silly to live a life of a closed mind and closed eyes? If we choose to do so, we choose to live blind and limited.

Isn't it rather silly, this reaction you have burned inside me. It's been awhile and I have yet to find a way to cope. I'm left wondering, constantly, what it is you want from me.

It's rather sad, in just a few days it'll have been 7 years since he left me. God, has that much time past? It's rather sad that I'm left here yearning for a dead man's approval. And yet, when I lay my head down at night, I stare at my ceiling wondering... have I let him down yet? Out of all the people I had to choose for approval... why a dead one? We already know that answer.

It's just not my season. This is not my season. Every year I wait, with a sense of discontent, for it to come and I lose countless hours of sleep. It's almost as if I'm waiting- for what I haven't the faintest idea.

I wonder, here at 4 am, why you came into my life. It seems so lackluster and so interminable. A sort of purgatory if you must. I can't imagine what you purpose must be. What are we to learn from one another?

This season of hell is upon me and I'm all but overjoyed. I can't quite decide if he'd be proud or not. I can't quite decide if he's really watching over me.

Most creatures sleep through their season.

Why can't I?

Letting Go of the Past: Day... unkown

2010-03-20T23:14:00.000-07:00

Hello there Blogglings! I have been (regrettably) absent and sadly so. You know, I am thoroughly convinced that writer's block is real and it is lethal. We have yet to discover if it is contagious (be cautious) but! I have a team of highly (mostly) qualified scientists researching that.

Onward and forward! (Forward and onward?)

I have been having the hardest time trying to pin down my thoughts (formally known as reflections, but that's when I'm feeling important) into something concrete. The other night I was staring at the top of my bunk bed (damn student housing and their damn bunk beds) and all my thoughts finally came into one. So... at two in the morning I wrote it all down... here we go...

Co-dependency is the reflection I've been lingering on for the past week. (Oh! What a thought!) Am I co-dependent? Hardly.

I look around me and I see boys and girls who feel as though they must have a significant other. "I don't do well being single." So I was told by a best friend.

I see boys and girls getting married/having children and they haven't even lived apart from Mommy & Daddy yet! My mind is blown. Allow me to explain.

I have not always been so independent. Pride-fullness hasn't always haunted me. However, when I was twelve my childhood ended completely. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and I struggled for months to comprehend what that meant. Sure, dad was sick. Sure, people died for this illness. But this was my dad. He swam far away from the shore at the beach and always came back. He wasn't afraid of alligators or sharks or snakes. He could fix anything with the right tools. He beat knee problems and kidney stones. He could lift me with one arm. Surely, he could beat cancer.

His "best friends" and their granddaughter (they have custody at the time) moved in to take care of him. I felt as though they were intruding and I reacted horribly. With time I overcame my bratty disposition. Through out the first line of treatment, radiation, he remained relatively healthy and energized. I decided all was as it should be and I had nothing to worry about.

When the home nurse came and put the chemo-port in... some how, in my twelve year old brain, I knew this was different. Unsure of what to make of things, I kept to myself and stayed in the "back round" of things. I remember one specific day he called me to ask if I would be embarrassed to be seen with him if he lost all of his hair. I remember sitting in the sun room of my mother's house, looking at the lake and tears welling up in my eyes. I told him I wouldn't care if his hair turned green. And with that, I, unknowingly, gave him my permission and my support. To this day I'm not sure if I'm glad I did or not.

By January of the following year he began to deteriorate. At around that time I became very prideful and very independent. I learned to cook for myself and my "baby cousin" (the "best friend's" granddaughter). Essentially, I stepped in to big shoes. The wife of the "best friends" used to take me to movies every once and a while. She told me I was "twelve going on twenty-one".

Ever since that time period of my life, and the things that followed which... I am not altogether ready to talk about yet, I have had the most difficult time asking for help. So... in effect, I have been saved from co-dependency. Thank God.

Through trial and error and observations of those around me, I have discovered a few things about relationships. The big one is simple, no one can make you happy. The second is experience. To fully mesh two lives together (which is what a marriage is- terrifying thought if I do say so) or create a life I believe you need life experience. Well... at least to be successful. Sometimes you can gain life experience as you go (I'm sure we've all seen it) but I stand firm that it's helpful to have it beforehand.

To have a successful relationship with anyone you need to have your own personality and independence set first. You have to be yourself- that takes awhile to create. Molding yourself to fit someone else's wants/interests only hurts both in the long run. One day you'll wake up thinking "What have I been doing all these years..."

You have to be happy with you before you can be happy with anyone else. If you think otherwise you are definitely misconstruing your brain chemistry.

All in all... I think co-dependence hinders happiness. I mean... are you really living if you're constantly worrying about losing your significant other? Whether it be "am I really right for this person?" or "what will I ever do without this person?" I mean jeebus.

All in all... I think I have to be thankful for unanswered prayers- even when I've resented it. I thank my mother (what a tough sentence to type, oi) for being the one, or one of many, experiences that pushed me away from co-dependence (and, unfortunately, people).

I watch girls go from guy to guy to guy and my heart is baffled. On one hand, I do not understand. On the other, I do not wish to.

It's been 14 months* since I've been in a real relationship.

And almost 10-11 months since I was in a "real" long distance relationship. **

While I've had two dating stints since then, I am happy that I've been mostly male free for about three months. It's rather relaxing.

I've come to the conclusion that I can start to let go of all my "mother drama" because it made me independent...

which is so mcuh easier than being wrapped around a guy 24/7. Do you have any idea how tiring that must be? Oi.

Viva la vida!
-BB

* I don't consider anything under 2 months a real relationship.
** He was in Iraq the whole time. Does that count?

Unknown; untitled

2010-03-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here trying to make sense of the reflections I've made.

I'm trying to think of an entry to post.

This is all I've got.

Letting Go of the Past: Day... something.

2010-03-10T21:41:00.000-08:00

I've noticed, quite recently, that I have a problem with comparing & contrasting.

Situation:

Office. Mr. Gorgeous and Ant-Man studying Physics. I'm studying... (snort) Abnormal Psychology.

M: Man, Kim Kardashian is gorgeous, but Natalie Portman is flawless.

A: True, true.

Me: (thinking) I could never compare to Natalie Portman.

Who the fuck cares about Natalie Portman?! (Don't get me wrong, she is gorgeous and very talented.) But why do I care? I don't need to be anyone else. I don't need to be flawless.

No, my teeth aren't straight. I've decided it gives my smile character.

No, my stomach isn't completely flat. And I have love handles. So what?

Yes, I have a problem with acne. So does 70% of the population.

I come to this conclusion a lot and it never ceases to amaze me. I've been given one life, one body and one shot. I'm not getting a new one so I might as well appreciate the one I have.

I think my issues with compare & contrast have stemmed from always being cheated on and/or left for other women. I guess I kind of compare them to myself and try to figure out what I'm missing.

Maybe I'm not missing anything.

Maybe I just haven't found someone whos willing to accept all of me.

That's enough for one night.

Viva la vida.

-BB

Letting Go of the Past: Day 5

2010-03-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

I apologize for the extremely long post...

Every girl has had her heart broken at some point or another. It could be from the death of a family member or some stupid boy- or, if she's real lucky, both. My heart broke when my dad died, but that was a different kind of fracture.

The First Big Ex is known as Bear. And I think it should stay that way.

Bear was... hell, Bear was Bear. He was a Bad Boy of the baddest degree. I remember the first time I met him. It was freshman year (high school) in a tennis class [to this day I don't know why they put me in tennis, seriously] and a friend of mine was annoying him. She sat between us. He caught my attention with his ragged red Chuck Taylor high tops. I remember looking at him, vaguely registering my friend jabbering about how hot he was, and he intrigued me.

     (When something intrigues me-- its a horrible thing. Intrigue for me is like a drug addiction.)

      I remember telling my friend, absentmindedly, to shut up and leave him alone. He kept to himself; very much a loner. So was I. We didn't speak but, there was a silent understanding.

      I "dated" two boys my freshman year of high school: Camo (twice) and Blondie. Bear was a friend of Blondie's.

     Thus, our circles were intertwined. We joked around and spoke a little to each other. But, there was still a sense of understanding between the two of us. To this day I don't think either of us ever thought we would actually date. Isn't that how it always goes?

     Sophomore year comes. Blondie and I have broken up. Camo and I had another stint. I was determined to be single. First day of class I walked into my Biology to see him there in all of his 'rocker' glory. I remember he was wearing a Rancid shirt. He sat in the back so I sat in the front.

      When it came to do an in class project I surprised the ever living hell out of him (and myself) by asking him to be my partner. Sparks flew. We made each other laugh. We were very... carefree. It wasn't too long after that he asked me to come hangout with him on a Saturday. I agreed. And that begun the three/four month "courting" period. We acted like we were together-- but we didn't put a title to it. December 1st, 2005 it had a title.

(via piranija)

      I fell madly in love- well, as in love as a 15-16 year old can be. I honestly thought he was who I was supposed to be with- no questions, no doubt about it. Not only was I madly in love with him, I loved his family and they loved me. To this day they still refer to me as the "daughter they never had". I felt such a want, almost a need, to be with him.

     As I said, he was the bad boy and I was the angel (you can laugh, but I seriously was). And with that bad boy came a lot of trouble. Drugs, drinking, sneaking out and other various offenses/crimes- of course, I didn't partake in any of those shenanigans. We were good together though. We brought up our grades together, I tried to make him quit smoking (everything; Problem Number One) and drinking (Problem Number Two.)

     And then there was Her (Problem Number Three.) She had everything I didn't have-- piercings, tattoos, a bad girl attitude and a bad past...well... a past more riddled with bad decisions than mine. They had dated numerous times. They were horrible together- think Syd and Nancy. But they were crazy about each other.
I knew it was going to happen. I always do. I knew he was lying to me about quitting Problem Number One and I knew what was going to happen with Problem Number Three.

     Sure enough, he cheated, lied & broke up with me for Her. I was at my Ex-BFFL's house and I distinctly remember the night before, I looked her dead in the eye and told her I had lost him.

     To say he broke my heart would be an understatement. I was shattered entirely.

     I won't go into the details of the really screwed up parts; let's just say things spiraled down hill and I took way less than what I deserved. I went from 138lbs to 119lbs in the span of two to three weeks. I began a long, long road of bad behavior. Including copious amounts of alcohol, cigarrettes, taking my moms car, sneaking out and some other really fun adventures.

     The two things I stayed away from? Sex and drugs. Why? I knew my own boundaries. Hallelujah!

     Bear and I couldn't be "just friends". Everytime we hung out, he ended up cheating on Her. I wanted him back and believed him when he said he still loved me.

     Long story short: after She found out and forced him to stop speaking to me, two years, the Big Ex event and another attempt at friendship this conversation ensues...

Bear: We can't talk anymore.
Me: (laugh) Why?
Bear: Because we always have to take it a step further. We can't just be friends.
Me: (laughing harder) I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't see you as anything other than a friend.

     Evidently, I had given him the wrong impression. I'm not sure how I did that. But, I guess it's all for the best anyhow. He'll always have a place in my heart, but I no longer love/want him. I haven't in the longest time. I'm not a teenage girl anymore. (Thank God)

     There was a lot of lies, manipulation and misuse. All of which I have forgiven him for, but to this day I am unable to open up to someone like that. Not even with the Big Ex did I allow myself to just fall. I know somewhere inside this scarred, cold heart of mine I want to fall for someone like that again. I think it's the most exhilirating feeling- having no inhibitions and just free falling.

     I don't think that'll happen anytime soon. I think I have too much to work on. So... I supposed we'll leave this one up to Time and Fate?

-BB

For every woman who is uncertain...

2010-03-08T08:00:00.000-08:00

"My Worth" (03-07-2010)

I was uncertain of your game prior to this very moment.

However, now that all cards are on the table,

I feel let down and... prideful.

Kudos, for your honesty. For that I will forever appreciate.

But the worth of a woman is far greater than one night of passion.

When I told you I was unlike anyone you've ever met,

that was my hoensty.

I will never again cheapen myself or such a special act so easily.

The worth of a woman cannot be seen or touched,

but it can be experienced.

I can, without a doubt, show you a heart like nothing this world has ever seen.

But I've seen and experienced that it is a privelege,

one that should be strived for,

not demanded.

The worth of a woman is owed to the woman who

doesn't lie

nor cheat

nor steal

nor manipulate.

And while you cannot see that she is a woman,

not some frivelous girl to be used and tossed,

one day you'll notice.

One day... I'm going to make these men, or boys, see my worth.

While I'm rather uncertain of it myself,

I know it's there. Somewhere.

And I refuse to let anyone cheapen it.

Letting Go of the Past: Day 4

2010-03-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

One thing I've noticed lately is that I tend to say the most offensive of things. And a part of my personality is the brutal apathetic approach I take to it.

This is the way I see things...

Men and women have died for my right to speak freely... so by God, I'll use that right til the day I die.

And it's not like I deliberately sit there and conjure up the most offensive sentence possible. I wouldn't deliberately offend someone. But someone will say something and the first sarcastic quip that jumps into my mind is the first thing out of my mouth. Generally, I don't get that loose with my language unless I'm around someone I like/know somewhat.

Exhibit A:

While at Disney for Krissy's birthday there was a huge crowd of Asians...

Krissy: Jeez! There are a lot of Asians here today...

Me: Yeah. I can feel my eyes beginning to get all slanty.

Now, Krissy has known me for years. She knows I have the most fucked up sense of humor. So... she laughed. And when I realized exactly what I said, I laughed too.

Exhibit B:

While commenting on a friend's status he had posted (within the status chain) a youtube video for Sailor Moon...

Friend A: On to Anime music! (posts link)

Friend B: Omg, now it's going to be stuck in my head for the next week. brb I'm going to kill Friend A.

Me: Yeah, thanks Friend B. I saw "Sailor Moon" and immediately closed the window. That shit is catchy. Kinda like herpes.

Um. Oops? Insensitive? Yeah... a little bit. But that's my humor for you.

Most women don't like that I'm so crude or brutally honest. But I shrug it off. I'd rather walk alone than follow the crowd anyway.

Viva la vida.

-BB

Letting Go of the Past: Day 3

2010-03-05T19:04:00.000-08:00

Divergence: I was getting my hair done tonight with my favorite Gayest Straight Man and we were discussing favorite artists. He said Adele was his girlfriend and she just didn't know it yet. And I said that Will Smith didn't know he was going to marry me yet. Then, I interjected with, "Well... I don't know. Maybe Brad Paisely doesn't know it yet."

So then we couldn't decide which home I should wreck. Well, he decided that since I was already home wrecking I could cheat. Marry one and just, you know with the other. Long story short: I'm marrying Will Smith and you knowing with Brad Paisely because Courtney Paisely just doesn't sound right. Hm... BB Paisely... ohdeargod. On with the program!

       Kids are, without a doubt, the meanest people. When I was young, elementary school age, I was picked on for my hair color [I had auburn hair when I was real young and for some reason the top parts turned ashy brown] and my forehead. Yeah. I know. My fucking forehead. I don't know what is so wrong with it, but I guess they had to find something to pick at. And in fifth grade the "small boob" tormenting began. Looking back at all of this I laugh. What fifth grader has the gull or, really, the assets to sit there and point fingers? Haha. None the less, I was tormented.

       Now, let's be straight. I didn't always take this shit sitting down. I did stand up for myself and I said a bunch of mean stuff as well.

       But I've come to realize just how much I took all of that stupid shit to heart. Not only that, but I've carried it with me. I hate bathing suits because, to this day, I have small boobs. I style my hair a certain way because I can't stand my forehead. How dumb is that? Seriously.

       It was also around this time that I realized you have to choose who you trust very carefully. There was a girl, whom I won't name, that came to our school and literally screwed up my ring of friends. She spread rumors about me and told my friends that I had talked shit behind their back. I wouldn't say this is where my trust issues started... but it definitely feeds into it.

        And I wouldn't say I'm hanging on to what the kids said about me, but I definitely think I'm carrying the hurt/insecurity they brought on. I have to let this stuff go at some point. It might as well be now. I just have no idea how...

I'm having the hardest time writing this segment, quite honestly. There are a lot of things I don't want to talk about yet and I lay awake at night wondering what I could/should write about next. Oy.

Viva la vida
-BB

Letting Go of the Past: Day 2

2010-03-02T10:49:00.000-08:00

There are a few things I'm hoping while writing for this segment. 1. This is a way to avoid going to a therapist and 2. This will help me let go and get over it.

Whether this two things actually happen is a gamble. I'm putting myself on the World Wide Web and opening myself up; making myself entirely vulnerable.

Yeah. No worries, right?

(deep cleansing breath) I believe it's fitting to start at the beginning- ooh! I rhymed!

My earliest memory of my parents and I is very simple and very short. I had a Bambi themed tent and we were playing inside of it. I was probably 3 or 4 years old. This is not only the earliest, but the nicest memory of my parents marriage. The rest of my memories are easily summed up as: World War III.

They divorced a few months before my 5th birthday. Anyone who stands there and says that divorce does not affect a child is a liar and a simpleton. I remember how nasty my parents were and I remember, vividly, standing beside my mother feeling like I had to. And I remember, hours later, standing beside my father feeling like I had to. The ultimate tug of war.

Things were said and done that I'll never forget but hopefully I can, at some point, forgive. As I grew older I began to understand that my parents were not going to get back together, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. I remember feeling envious when kids at my elementary school ate lunch with mommy and daddy. I remember feeling out of place whenever I went over to a friend's house and their parents were affectionate. I'm sure this is where my want for a "family" and my fear of marriage has stemmed from.

Yes, I admitted it, I have a fear of marriage.

There are things that my step sister will tell me that I don't remember happening and that makes me wonder what else I don't remember or what else I've blocked out. To add to that, it makes me wonder if I want to remember anything else.

I'm hoping that as I grow older, I'll shirk my fears of marriage/family and let go of the things that happened between my mom, my dad and I.

-BB

Letting Go of the Past: Day 1

2010-03-01T19:26:00.000-08:00

"Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way."
— R.L.P.

Let me start this new segment "Letting Go of the Past" by saying this: I wish someone had told me that a long time ago. It would've saved me so much heart ache and anger. In keeping with 120 Days for Me, I'm going to continue writing stuff that really pertains more to "Getting to Know Me". I feel like that portion didn't really get enough attention as it should have.

I'm not going to delve too much into this segment right now because 1. it's 10:30pm and 2. I have a raging headache.

But to bring everyone up to speed here's some key points about life right now:

Joined the United States Navy
Job: GSE
Hopefully switching to Intelligence job.
Mother is not happy about the first.
RE: however, she is under the impression I'm going to get married & wants to apart of that.
I ship out September 1st.
Evidently, not many people are taking me seriously when I say that.
I'm disappointed that a lot of my friends aren't taking me seriously. Oh well!
This semester ends April 14th and that can't come soon enough!

I'm ready to being my military life already... I'm tired of Orlando.

Tomorrow we get to delve into the past... oh joy. I'm kind've nervous about this whole segment. There is a lot about my life that I am still not comfortable discussing. (sigh)

We shall see.

Viva la vida.
-BB

Getting to Know Me:Day 9 "The Navy" Part 1

2010-02-23T15:59:00.000-08:00

Let me start off by saying that the past 48 hours have been the most stressful of my life- well, maybe not the most but definitely up there!

I have always been an avid supporter of the military. I come from a long, long, long line of Army. Basically: the military is in my blood.

For those that know me, joining the Navy came as no surprise. I've always talked about it. I've wanted to do it since I was 16 years old. But I don't think that everyone fully expected me to actually do it. And I am.
For the past couple of weeks I've been gathering information and documents to put together for the Navy. Slowly preparing my journey. Well, a shit storm hit on Monday when my Recruiter's higher up told us we were going to MEPS- same day. I have never signed so many papers and entered information so fast in my life.

Due to the ill timing we left Orlando at 3:15. I made it to MEPS (in Jacksonville) at exactly 5 pm. Right on the dot. Everything went, basically, without hitch. I flew through the ASVAB and aced the hell out of it. I went to the hotel and basically became a nervous wreck. Sad, but true. My roommate for the night and I became quick friends.

The next day, running off of two hours of sleep, I flew through Medical processing and that was a different story. I found out two important things in medical: 1. I need glasses because my shooter eye is going out on me and 2. I have no depth perception.

I paid no mind to any of this because I didn't want to stress myself out any more than I already was. Added to that, I didn't think it would affect the job I want. I didn't realize how #2 would affect me.

Once I was through with Medical I was rushed to take a Nuclear Engineering test. Basically: the biggest waste of my time & Naval time. I barely knew anything on that damn test just like I told the proctor. I've never taken Chemistry, Physics or Calculus. (Yes, my ASVAB science scores are great. But don't you think I know my own limits? I mean honestly.) So, we x'ed out the Nuclear program because of that test. That was fine by me, I wasn't sold on it anyways.

And then, I waited. That's what you do in MEPS... you wait. And wait. What did I do? Um, stared at all the hot Army shippers! Duh!

That's a lie. I totally stressed out about whether or not I was going to get "my job". CTI- Cryptologist Technician Interpretive- is my dream job in the Navy. Basically, I'd get to learn different languages and break codes in those languages. I didn't think my ASVAB scores would qualify me for the job... and then it happened. Not only that, I qualified for half of the intelligence jobs AND aviation. I thought I was set, sitting there adding up my scores in my head, figuring out which jobs I could get.

I sat down with my counselor and, I swear to you, my day crashed. There were no avaibilities in CTI. I half expected it, so I moved on. No availibilities in any intelligence job. Okay fine. Disqualified from Aviation because of DEPTH PERCEPTION.

Still, I was unwavering. They kept throwing papers at me. Sonar Tech- electronics score not high enough. Interior Communications- scores were upgraded & I didn't qualify. The only two jobs they could give me today were 1) Machinist Mate and 2) Hull Technician. I declined both jobs because I knew I wouldn't happy in either.

If there is one thing the Navy is going to learn about me real quick is this: I'm a fighter.

Will I ace the DLAB and become a CTI? Probably not. The DLAB is a very difficult test. But I will get a job that I want. The recruiting station is pissed because they think I'm backing down from joining...

No. I am nowhere near backing down from this. I fight for what I want.

I'm going back to MEPS in a month or whenever they call, to sign up for a job. I've got the world working against me right now- literally, so much shit has just blown up that it's ridiculous. But I'm going to fight for what I want. I'll be damned.

I'll talk more about my joining the military and my mother tomorrow...

-BB

PS: Sorry for the brevity and lack of editing. Lack I said, long day and two hours of sleep. I'm going to take a shower in my OWN shower and sleep. Oh, and eat. That's kind've important.

Getting to Know Me: Day 8: Friendship

2010-02-19T19:12:00.000-08:00

Friendship.

It's a word that means a lot more than hello & goodbye- at least to me it does.

I've talked about a lot of things on this blog, prior to 120 Days for Me and during it. I've talked, however briefly, about my trust issues and my dad. But I've never addressed my friends.

Other than a few extended relatives that are in Mississippi and my mother, I'm alone in this world. I have step siblings, but they're living their own lives and are older than I. My sister and I will always have a special bond, but she is getting ready to take off and so am I.

One of the things that bugs me in my life is that I don't have a family. I didn't really grow up with anyone either. When my dad died, no one really reached out to me. Parts of me still resent that, but now that I'm an adult I understand. Distance makes things difficult.

As many families that have "accepted me", and I do appreciate all of them, it's just not the same thing. However, it's all I've got. I'm not a big fan of attachment. I've been known to be a "tough cookie" especially with people, but when I do become friends with people and I become (sigh) attached, there are few things I won't do for that person.

I've discovered things, in my short time on this earth, that most people wouldn't dream of realizing. Essentially, I have the secret to life.

I hold absolutely no value in money or material objects. When I buy nice things, I take care of them so I don't have to buy them again. I like clothes, but I don't have to have fashionable or expensive clothes. I could walk barefoot for the rest of my life though, I'm a tom-boy from way back. I digress.

While I have the hardest time trusting people, I've learned that love- all kinds of it- is the secret to life. Why hate, when you can love? Why cause yourself pain by harboring such a negative thing? Sure, people will hurt you. That's inevitable. But if it's one thing I've learned is this:

The pain you feel from being hurt, is nothing compared
to the joy the people you're loving feel.

I realized a few nights ago how fortunate I am. While I don't have a family, I have people that love me. And oddly, that makes me feel better about the whole situation. My friends mean the world to me. They accept me for who I am and love me even when I'm being stupid. That's what friendship means.

And I can call my best friends losers, because it takes one to know one.

Yeah. I said it.

How do you feel about friendship?

-BB
Viva la vida!

Getting to Know Me: Day 7: Pet Peeves

2010-02-18T22:14:00.000-08:00

Holy Jeebus, we're now on 101 days to go on the countdown for 120 Days for Me. I do believe we're making headway! Yay! (Except I haven't been blogging all of my reflects. Fail.)

I've decided I'd blog about my newly found pet-peeves and the ones I've known about for years.

Negativity. I cannot stress how much negativity just irks the shit out of me. I understand being sad or bitter for a period of time as a result of an event. But negativity is NOT healthy and it's just freaking annoying.
Small talk. I hate small talk. I'm the type of person where I can sit in silence and there is no pressure to talk. I find it funny that I tend to make people nervous because I get quiet sometimes (this is a rareity, I assure you).
Chewing. Yep. The way that certain people chew, it makes this sound and it drives me up a damn wall. I've gotten better about not letting it affect me as much though. When I was little, my mom and I would get into arguments about my "smacking" and her "chewing".
Rustling paper or tapping pens. This is only a pet peeve when I'm trying to concentrate on something. IE: A major test.

Standing behind me. I hate when people stand behind me or hover over me. Especially teachers. Drives me nuts. I'm usually very good about having my back to a solid surface- this is also why I ALWAYS jump when someone is behind me. It's not funny. When I jump/scream it's because you scared me, which is not funny to me. At all.
Mixed signals. I hate it when guys do this. (Not that they're solely to blame). It seriously pisses me off. If you like me, just stick to that vibe. Don't hop around because of your own insecurities. (Got that memo, Mr. Gorgeous? THANKS!)
Friend swinging. This doesn't necessarily piss me off as much as it hurts. I'm the type of person who doesn't like to open up to people very much- strange as that might seem, seeing as how I blog. A lot of people tell me that it seems like I open up easily. That is not the case. So when I do open up to someone and I get the case of the "friend swinging" (where you swing from one friend to another with reckless abandon) it tends to make me shut up & out again. I'll talk about what friendship means to me tomorrow. :-)
Self-centered-ness. I try my best to not be self-centered. I think everyone has their moments though. And I can understand that. However, I hate it when people think the world literally revolves around them. JEEZ.
Holier than thou. Or just plain: Better Than Thou. This drives me freak-ing crazy. People who sit there and talk about other people's mistakes and how they are so much smarter than them. We all make mistakes, we are all stupid at some point or another. (Granted, I talk about how some of my exes are really stupid for some of things they've done... but I've never said "I'm smarter than that.")

So there you have it. A list of some of the things that annoy the beejesus out of me. I can't think of any more... although, I'm sure there are some.

Midterms, the blasted devils, are finally over. I am officially on Spring Break. Holla! And what am I doing? Absolutely nothing. Great, right? Such an exiting live I lead.

What are some of your pet peeves?

Getting to Know Me: Day 6: Questions and answers

2010-02-13T10:39:00.000-08:00

Hello, hello, hello.

It's a marvelous Saturday and where am I? I'm holed in my apartment studying for midterms. I know, I know. What the hell kind of school has midterms in freaking FEBRUARY! Heh, my school does. Silly SDA Health Science schools, sigh.

So I have scheduled a post for today calling upon an old feature I used to do. If you haven't noticed by now, all of my posts prior to 120 Days for Me have been deleted. I figured it was fitting. Plus, all the labels I had were really annoying. I digress.

I had a feature (that I just realized didn't have a name- brilliant) that was inspired by the Facebook application "Friends Q & A". This application is fairly humorous as your friends answer questions about you, and they're either dead on or dead wrong. Some answers make you think, "Dude! I've known you since KINDERGARTEN! WTFUCK mate?!"

So I decided that I'd copy & paste questions with their answers from my friends and ''set the story straight.'' Lets do it to it.

Ledger: Q= Question FA= Friend's answer RA= Real answer

Q: Is Courtney lazy?
FA: Yes
RA: You damn right.

Q: Do you think that Courtney would bail you out of jail?
FA: Yes.
RA: You poor soul. I have a strict precedent that I do not bail people out. Plus, I'm poor.

Q: Do you think that Courtney has ever fooled around at work?
FA: No.
RA: Definitely not. Well, at least not sexually. Hah.

Q: Do you think that Courtney could be a gangster?
FA: Yes.
RA: Bitch, I'm a damn G. (Not really.) (Erm. Most days.)

Q: Do you think that Courtney is a freak?
FA: No.
RA: Not normally?

Q: Do you think that Courtney has ever smoked?
FA: Yes.
RA: Jeez. Ye of so little faith. Tobacco? Yes. Marijuana? No- yucky.

Q: Do you think that Courtney would let you cheat off their paper on a test?
FA: Yes.
RA: Fuck no.

Viva la vida!
-BB

Getting to Know Me: Day 5: Fear

2010-02-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

Hello again.

As I said yesterday, I'm addressing my fears today.

I posted on Twitter that I didn't know what to blog about: insecurities, fears and/or limitations- yes they're all different. I've always had an issue with making myself vulnerable, and airing out my fears to the World Wide Web is definitely considered a vulnerability. Here we go.

Life.
My biggest fear in life is failure. It can be argued that by that logic, I am afraid of life. This logic may or may not be partially true. I'll have to meditate on that for a while. My biggest want out of life is family & travel.

Death.
I do not particularly fear death itself. However, I fear Alzheimer's and cancer like the plague. I could care less about dying in general.

People.
People are, without fail, the most unreliable, selfish and unpredictable things on this planet. Ergo, they are not to be trusted. Unfortunately, to love you must trust. I have the biggest issues with trusting people. Yeah, I'm a cynic.

Fear is a very powerful thing. It can rule and destroy you. I'm currently fighting with myself to not let fear control me. It's quite a battle.

At the end of the day this remains...

Fear is powerful.
But it's not all powerful.

Viva la vida!
-BB

Getting to Know Me: Day 4: Strength

2010-02-11T09:57:00.000-08:00

I never quite realized how true this statement really was until just recently. My friends, this is the secret to life.

We can spend our time hating that guy that broke our heart or the friend who betrayed us. We can spend time, precious as it is, being mad at the world. We can spend our lives being mad at ourselves. But at the end of the day it's a waste of time.

The world would change instantly if everyone would come to this recollection. Instead of world power, let's worry about world love.

That may make me out to be a hippy. Do not misunderstand me, sometimes you have to fight for something to get done- but that does not mean every day needs to be a fight. That doesn't mean that you should let your life be swallowed in bitterness and anger- the only person you're hurting is yourself.

"Being angry is like holding a hot coal
with the intent to throw it.
You're the only one getting burned."

When I was twelve years old my father was diagnosed with three different types of cancer- two were stage four. My father was given the option of quality or quantity of life. He chose quantity and he did so for me.

By Christmas of that year he had slowly deteriorated and the cancer had metastasized to his lungs. But he had already defied medicine. I knew, somehow, in my twelve year old brain that my father was not going to survive. And I was angry. People tried to help, but it was a loss cause. I was mad at the world and there was nothing anyone could do to stop me.

He died at three o'clock in the morning in the spring. He died just before my thirteenth birthday. I was angry as hell, but nothing can compare to the way I felt with the events that proceeded.

With all of my growth in the past year, I am still unable to really open up about this time period of my life. I have spent the past six years angry as hell with sporadic points of depression. The things that were said and done by the people who were supposed to love me, have (mostly) been forgiven. And... perhaps that is what is truly important.

With the death of my father, my best friend and one of the wisest men I've ever met, came a few lessons...

Life really is too short.
Accomplish all that you can, while you can.
Love everyone as much as you can, forget the hate.

I've been told plentiful times that I am a "strong" woman. Some days I disagree pitifully and some days I cling to that with a fervor of someone hanging off a cliff. What really makes me question these declarations from friends and family is my problems with fear, which I will be addressing tomorrow.

Viva la vida!
-BB

Getting To Know Me: Day 3: Colorblind

2010-02-09T21:21:00.000-08:00

Of all the things I hate about myself there are some things I love. The first and, in my eyes, most important factor that I really love about myself is the fact that I am colorblind.

When I speak of colorblind, I do not mean rudimentary colors. I mean racially blind.

I was having trouble voicing my thoughts for blog ideas, trying to form the right words. And then tonight I got my very first little bit of formspring.me drama. I received the following question:

Is it true that your racist?

I responded facetiously...

I'm not racist. I hate every one equally. :o) Avoid favoritism!

Clearly, I do not hate everyone. Nor do I hate people based on petty things such as race. I mean honestly.

I figured it was a good friend of mine who was messing with me and trying to start one of our usual bickering fights. So, I responded sarcastically. However, this was not the case seeing as how I received this in my inbox next...

"I'm glad you can admit you hate everyone. Half the school thinks your racist. But its whatevs. Thats you. Your rude as fuck."

(I did that from memory, seeing as how I deleted the "question" as soon as I read it.)

  Okay first of all- LOL. Clearly this person A. goes to my school, B. doesn't know jack about English grammar, C. is stupid.

  Allow me to clear something up. I am a southern woman. I am a sassy, tomboy-ish, in your face, brutally honest, rough around the edges southern woman. I grew up with some people who were really hateful and some who weren't. I learned at any early age (thankfully) that racism is useless and pointless. So is hate.

  When I was in 4th grade we studied Martin Luther King Jr. I was completely in awe of this man who literally died for something he believed in. I was in awe of that kind of bravery. We were given sheets of paper with little dream clouds on them that had black words already printed on them that read, "I have a dream..."

  I filled my in with, "that my (insert relatives that will not be named) won't be racist anymore."

  Clearly the dreams of an innocent child. I take the accusation of being "racist" very seriously, because of where I come from. Because I know that when I speak, sometimes my accent is there. Because I have a rebel flag on my key chain. Because I know what stupidity and petty drama can lead to. Because I know I have a retarded sense of humor.

  I take the accusation very seriously because a lot of the people I care about are different nationalities than I. I love them dearly and always will.

  Am I rude? Am I mean? Yep, probably. Do I do so intentionally? Only if you know I'm joking.

  As I am typing this I hope the person who acted so rashly and with cowardice understands where I am coming from. I hope that this person has the maturity to come to me as an adult and address whatever issue they hold with me. I am not sure why this person is assuming that half the school thinks I'm racist, seeing as the very few people I hang out with are very diverse. And I am not sure why this person chose to go through a website, anonymously, to attack me. A simple conversation can clear up any issue.

  At the end of the day, I know myself better than anyone. So really, this doesn't matter. But I'm choosing to post this publicly (as opposed to just my blog) because this is such a serious issue and such a hurtful one as well.

Viva la vida!
-BB

Getting to Know Me: Day 2: Suburb Cowgirl?

2010-02-06T09:31:00.000-08:00

Before I dive head first into this blog idea I have floating around in my cranium (technically, my frontal lobes) I'll warn you that I fell asleep at 12 am and woke at 4 am... I have since:

Worked out
Took a shower
Watched the sun rise
Cleaned my kitchen
Danced
Re-organized my room
Ate a banana
Ate a bowl of healthiness

Yay producitivity! Did you know that watching sun rise is not only really pretty, but spits blog ideas at you? (Not literally spit, because that would be a painful spit. Sun spit. No bueno.)

(You have to wonder, which is worse: sun spit or human spit? Sun spit, definite.)

We've landed graciously upon Day 2 of Getting to Know Me. If you're new and you have no idea what I'm talking about read this and get with it.

This morning as I sat on my balcony in my long VS sweat shirt and my underwear (I stress long sweatshirt, I DO have neighbors) watching the sun rise I arrived at two thoughts almost immediately:

The interstate is oddly soothing this morning. Weird. (I live RIGHT BY I-4, as in I look out my windows and I see/hear cars screaming past all. freaking. day. long. and night long.)
The sun ''rise" should be called sun "round" because the earth orbits around the sun at a tilted axis, ergo, the sun is neither rising nor falling. At this point, after I have tweeted, the thought "Oh! EARTH ROUND!" occurs to me. Then the inevitable "holy shit, I need a life" thought occurs.

I'm sure that right now you're wondering one of two things: 1. Why is it odd that I-4 is soothing and/or 2. Why the hell does she care about a term for the sun rise? I'm not altogether sure of the answer for the second so we're tackling the first today. :o)

I have never liked cities. Ever. Matter of fact, I've hated Orlando for as far back as I can remember. This can be attributed to many factors: Orlando is the place that has tied me down, Orlando is the place where (almost) everything depressing in my life happened, I hate people, cities smell bad, the crime is ridiculous and above all: I'm just a southern country kinda gal.

Now then, I realize that depressing things happen to everyone in every city- but I have this nasty little personality trait/flaw that whenever I have a memory attached to a place/thing/date and I see it, I immediately relive it. Yeah, makes for a fun walk around town, lemme tell ya.

It doesn't help that I'm a little neurotic about smells. I love visiting NYC (good food, shopping and THEATRE, hellurrrr) but the smells are so diverse & sometimes horrid that I can't stand to be there for more than a few days.

Normally, I-4 causes me to become an irate insominac- especially when semi-trucks go by. Omgah.

So... am I to assume that I have become a suburb country gal? Well... one can only hope not. But we'll never know until I visit Mississippi/Tennessee again.

Factoid: I've a bit of a wandering spirit. I am much too restless to stay in one place for more than two years- especially if I'm not traveling within the two years. So... revelation! Gah!

Not only am I a southern-maybe-suburb/country-kinda-gal, I am also perfect for the military! The latter is a very good thing seeing as how I want to join. Heh.

Anywhen. I'm off for a fun filled day of productivity & laughs with my loverly Ashana.

Viva la vida!
-BB

Maybe at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me...
Getting to Know Me.

Getting To Know Me: Day 1

2010-02-01T09:27:00.000-08:00

Hello all! And welcome to the first day of 120 Days For Me.

Yes, I know, I took off and came back late- shame on me. But, this is 120 days for me.

Anywhen.

I thought of this project when I realized a few things were a little off in my life and then, through some creative writing and thinking, said "eh what the hell?"

Welcome to my journey for myself. I'm getting to know myself at the same time you are! Now ain't that a switch up?

I'm not certain of a lot in life right now... and for someone who has a meticulous, planning and some-what-anal-retentive personality... it adds up for a lot of sleepless nights. But we'll get all nitty gritty later.

I love doing surveys on Myspace or Facebook. It cures boredom while simultaneously letting people in on your world. I've cut and pasted a few questions and will post a few more every so often in this month of Getting To Know Me.

Here are a few questions from a survey...

Has anyone ever fallen in love with you?
Um. I don't really believe so, no.

Have you ever been in love?
Yes. You'll find out about that in March. :-)

Do you believe in God?
A God. Yes.

Why or why not?
Because I believe that life cannot be explained, in its entirety, by science. The last time I checked, you cannot form something from nothing. Big Bang? Great theory- where are the particles coming from? I think man is way too arrogant for their own good. But I'm not arrogant to assume any religion is correct- because, quite frankly, religion is created and ruled by man. There is a certain unexplained "magic" so to speak, about our bodies that science could never comprehend. Plus, it helps to believe something out there has a hold on things. :-)

Are you a Christian?
No sir.

Do you go to church?
Meh. When I feel the need to. Churches are not really spiritual for the most part. Think about that before you send me a howler.

Do you believe you have to go to church to be a good Christian?
No. And I think that ideology is stupid.

Viva la vida!
-BB