If you find trouble reading or discussing things like eating disorders or body image or weight gain, please exit this entry now.
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Body image is one of the most difficult things to deal with in life. A lot of people say that it's just women who struggle, that is untrue. Men have high expectations much like women do. But of course it all depends on where you stand in society.
Dancers, for example, are most often pushed and pressured about their weight. Matter of fact, most athletes are pressure about their weight. It's rather ridiculous, actually.
I am not afraid to admit that I am a strong, intelligent young woman. I am not stupid, I know I am intelligent and more mature than most people my age. But just because I am all of those things does not mean that I do not have weaknesses or that I have had a picture perfect life- with that, I ask who doesn't have weaknesses and who the hell has a perfect life?
When I was younger my body was always commented on- good or bad. But what no one seemed to think about when they said things like "Oh my God you are SO skinny!" or "Oh my God, I wish I had your legs!" was the fact that I was so active. I was a dancer, a gymnast, I played soccer, I swam a lot and I did things like bicycling/rollerblading every day. (Plus I climbed trees... I was a tomboy, stfu.)
Being a dancer and gymnast specifically put the jump cables on to help jump start my issues with body image. From day numero uno I refused to wear leotards without tights (in dance) or without soffes (in gymnastics). I never told anyone it was due to the fact that I absolutely hated my hips. And I
never changed in front of any of the girls because I hated the way my abs looked.
Me; when I performed at Hard Rock Cafe in Orlando, FL.
My dad flipped out when I told him I wanted to go to Weight Watchers meetings with my mom- I was 7 at the time.
I watched my mom obsess of calories or fat content or whatever and I found myself feeling more and more uncomfortable in my own skin.
Now, take into account the fact that I was a
dancer for seven years while you read the next paragraph.
Sunday I got to play with Anastasia at Magic Kingdom. Part of her costume consists of pantyhose (they go under the bloomers). I was in a rush to get into makeup (make up always takes me forever, tomboy here!) and ran in to Costuming to get my panyhose. I grabbed a medium and ran into a bathroom stall to change. They were too small. I knew that I had put on weight thanks to eating horribly, no exercise and some medication so I didn't freak out too bad. That is until a size large wouldn't fit properly either. I wanted to cry, honestly. I stubbornly forced the size large pantyhose to fit. And before I go any further,
fuck you Capezio!
Ahem. Anastasia Tremaine, Cinderella's Step Sister.
For the entire 15 hour work day I had yesterday, I ranted to myself about how I could let this happen. I was a dancer for christssake!
A girl in my nutrition class today brought up about how her friend eats very little and works out almost compulsively. She asked the teacher what kind of advice she should give her friend and my teacher, appropriately so, addressed it as a dietician would. I, however, addressed it as a psychologist. I brought up the possibility of compensatory behaviors and such.
And that's when it began to hit me. Do I have a eating disorder? Am I crazy? Am I about to start down the road of anorexia with restricted type? Do I have compensatory behaviors?
The answers to those questions are not questions I have answers to. But I know the people that are reading this who know me in real life are probably thinking "YES, YES, YES, and MAYBE!"
Because my waist is not huge.
My thighs however, BIG ISSUE. But I've always had thick thighs... hello, soccer + dance + gymnastics, they all get their strength from where?! Ugh.
Does anyone else suffer from body image dislike? How do you cope? What are ways you avoid going down the wrong path?
-BB
